Forget "Stay or Go." Start Here Instead.
Everyone will ask you the same thing: are you staying, or are you leaving?
Your best friend wants to know. Your family wants to know. Some mornings, you want to know too.
Here's what no one tells you: that's not the first step. Trying to force an answer right now might be the very thing keeping you stuck.
In After Betrayal, I write about why the earliest days after discovery aren't built for big decisions at all. Right now, your nervous system is running the show, not your rational mind. The shaking. The fog. The 2am replay of every detail you can't unsee. None of that is weakness — it's your body doing exactly what it's designed to do when your sense of safety has been shattered. It’s trying to keep you safe, but in that state making well-considered, long-term decisions is very difficult.
So if deciding isn't the first step, what is?
Steadying what's happening right now, before you try to figure out what happens next.
That might look like: Not answering the "stay or go" question this week. Try:
- Writing down three things you know are true right now, when everything else feels unclear.
- Eating something nourishing, even when you're not hungry.
- Telling one safe person the truth of how you're really doing.
Small. Almost too small to count - you might think. But it's the beginning of trusting yourself again — one honest moment at a time. It’s the beginning of making decisions from a place of steadiness and considering your best outcome (short, medium and long-term), not what comes to mind first.
This is also why After Betrayal: The Vessel – 30 Days to Steady Yourself exists. Not to rush you toward clarity, but to give you somewhere to put what you're carrying each day, until the fog starts to lift on its own.
You don't need to know how this ends.
You just need to get through today — and let that be enough.