Can You Love and Hate at the same time?

One of the most confusing parts of betrayal is realising you can still love someone and hate what they did. Not dislike it. Not feel disappointed by it.

Hate it.

You may hate the lying.

You may hate the secrecy.

You may hate the choices they made while you were trusting them.

You may hate that they let you build a life, make plans, feel safe, and believe in something that was not as honest as you thought it was.

And still, you may love them. That’s the part that can feel so unbearable.

Because if you love them, you may wonder whether you are minimising what happened.

And if you hate what they did, you may wonder whether that means the love was never real.

But both can be true. You can love the person and hate the behaviour. You can miss them and still feel sickened by their choices.

You can want comfort from them and still feel unsafe around them.

You can remember the good and still be traumatised by what was hidden.

This is why betrayal is different from ordinary hurt.

Hurt says, That was painful.

Trauma says, I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t know if I can trust you. I don’t know if I can trust myself.

When betrayal becomes trauma, your reaction is not just emotional. It can become physical. Your body may tense when they come near. Your mind may replay conversations. You may search for clues, dates, messages, explanations - anything that helps you rebuild the reality that was broken.

So if you hate what they did, that does not make you cruel.

It may be the part of you that is finally telling the truth.

This was not okay.

This changed something.

I cannot pretend this did not damage me.

In After Betrayal: What to Do When Everything Feels Broken, I talk about the importance of steadying yourself before trying to make sense of everything. Because when love and trauma are sitting in the same room, clarity rarely comes quickly.

A simple reflection is this:

The part of me that still loves them says…

The part of me that hates what they did says…

Let both parts speak.

You do not have to force yourself into one clean feeling.

You can love someone.

You can hate the betrayal.

And healing begins when you stop judging yourself for holding both.

Link to the book: After Betrayal.